Amelia

The past few days have been an emotional roller coaster, pardon the cliche. I’ll try to sum up. I’ve been trying to keep myself off social media – they aren’t the people I can see myself opening up to. So I’m here, again.

Note: I promise to edit this for coherence. This is just me, sleep-deprived.

December 16. Scheduled my turnover of work duties for the following day at 1pm. It hasn’t happened yet.

17. 4am, I got up to pee. When I returned to bed, I felt something watery run down my legs. Pale pink liquid. I woke Josh up and we drove to the hospital. 2cm. I was immediately confined to a labor room with Josh. Contractions began at around 11am, but they were few and far between. Hooked up to oxytocin at around noon. By 2pm I was 9cm and the rolling contractions of pain were intense. 4pm and I was screaming out while Josh counted out the 10 seconds of exhale-pushes. Amelia was brought to my chest and… I have no words to describe how it all felt. Pain, joy, intense love, fear even. Little did I know what would come next.

18. Still at the hospital for various tests. Normal, normal, got Amy to latch and suck.

19. Discharged. Spent the day acclimating to a new presence in the house. Family came, brought food and baby gifts. Spent the whole day in bed.

With night came trouble. Amy seemed to not be able to latch onto my breast.

20. Joyce, the lactation consultant came to give me tips on latching and soothing the baby. We were slightly successful… But.

21. Amy seemed to be throwing fits every time we tried to breastfeed. Joyce was called back, and she lent a nipple shield. Again, we were slightly successful… But Amy was starting to look yellowish and was losing weight.

22. The struggle went on all day. We looked forward to the 5pm appointment with the pediatrician. The secretary was awful and we waited till 7 to see the doctor. During which time I had to feed Amy after some struggle with the nipple shield. Then the doctor said she had to have Amy tested for bilirubin levels (which was making her yellow) and dehydration. The results weren’t good, so she – we – were confined ASAP. Amy is now undergoing light treatment for a day or two.

The latching still was a struggle but we were able to feed Amy sporadically.

23. Another lactation consultant, Dina, called in. She gave us faith we could latch without a shield. Amelia was gaining weight, though it may have been the IV.

Nanay seemed to be confident we’d be fine but Josh’s family was divided. Some thought we should just bottle feed.

Tomorrow at 1pm we’ll have another test. If all goes well, we could be discharged in time for Christmas. If not, we’d spend it here.

It seems I’m only remembering the bad things but there were good parts. Snuggling with Josh. Just looking at Amy when we feed her. Josh being my encourager. Sharing the hardship. Mom saying I love you and hugging me. Josh and I discovering each other’s character under intense emotional pressure.

I was thinking of what I wanted for Christmas. Initially it was going home. Now I know – I am where my family is. And I am home.