inklingfair This isn’t as much an Open Tabs post as it a tidying up one, which is what I feel the past month has been, an endless string of days getting up, looking for messes to straighten out, and keeping at it until it’s time to sleep again. Today I decided I wanted to write about things I’ve been having difficulties with and haven’t yet resolved, alongside some small satisfying wins.
First: my parenting triggers. I realize my neural pathways are the product of a mixed authoritarian/permissive parenting style and a controlling relationship with siblings/peers, so I sometimes respond to whining, delayed obedience, and accidents with a chaotic combination of either overreacting or ignoring the trigger. Especially if I’m tired or busy, I either blow up or withdraw, and neither is a healthy response to a child being a child. Lately, I’ve tried to do some rewiring, stepping back and telling myself, “It’s not that she’s not listening; I’m responding to my childhood trauma of not being listened to,” or “It’s just a spill; you’ve spilled things before and hated getting yelled at,” or “Messes are normal.” It’s a start.
Second: my preoccupation with transitional spaces and seasons. Again, another childhood trigger: we kept moving houses when I was younger. It’s funny because I know we’re not here in this place permanently, but somehow Amy being excited about where we’re moving next always makes me feel slightly defensive. I’ve romanticized being a moveable beast in the past, but I think I what I actually enjoy is the journey and the experience of liminality, the temporary suspension of what-ought-to-be.
Third: my anxiety about opportunity cost (and by extension, distraction/procrastination). For instance, this morning I spent a whole hour sewing on snap buttons on my dress and sorting the children’s old clothes, and while I felt immensely satisfied afterwards, it was an hour which I could have used to write. I won’t even go into the hours spent scrolling on my phone. On a related note, whenever I delete something on my Netflix/to-read list, I tell myself there will be time aplenty in eternity to watch and read everything I skipped in this lifetime (and then some!). Besides, there will probably be far better ways to spend it anyway.
On to the little wins. In the past month, Leni Robredo declared her candidacy, and things started to look up for 2022. The trolls are on overdrive, and lots of things look like they’re going to get ugly before they get better. Well, we all have to work hard to make everything better, right?
At about the same time, the ates moved the plant pots beside the wall facing the dining/work area, and it’s been a welcome splash of green. The pothos now all have trailing vines, and most of the plants are bursting out of their pots thanks to the abundant sun and rain. Today Paul, Francis and Junior cleaned the garage and moved the heavy narra cabinet to the back of the house to make room for another temporary working area.
Yesterday we were at St. James, ostensibly to bring Ate Nita home for a short break, but also to have a quick weekend break ourselves. Amy pitched a tent in the gazebo in the middle of the garden, raced her RC truck and biked around with Terrence, and explored the empty corridors with Ate Nita, Ate Ning and Daniel in tow. Daniel toddled around, babbling at the moss and mini koi. Josh and I went on three bike rides, at least fifteen km in total, the most we got out of a 24 hour period. Sure, there were hiccups here and there. I couldn’t find my chest video harness so I improvised with some zip ties and my hoodie’s elastic drawstring. We should have brought mosquito lights/citronella sticks. There were delays setting out, as expected when moving around with children. We had to be back for mealtimes and bedtime. But we’re getting better at packing bikes and the kids’ gear.
Back to real life then, the liminal space before the next adventure.
Header/thumbnail photo by Philipp Berndt on Unsplash
